You Know You're Hosed When...


Many thanks to all the Ladies and Laddies who contributed to this fun list
and to Lady Hope for getting it all started! :-)



104. You are genuinely SURPRISED to meet people who haven't read Diana Gabaldon's series!
103. Some bone head breaks into yer car and doesna take anything because the only CD's in it are I Love Scottish Music, Celtic Moors, and the Best of Scottish Bagpipes Vol. 2!!!!!!!
102. You're having a conversation with DG and while quoting your dh you say "those damn books!" and just know she'll know what you meant and take it as a compliment.
101. You start renting and/or buy all of Liam Neeson's movies (after falling in love with him) because he played a 6'4" kilt-wearing Scottish warrior.
100. Your heart does a funny flip whenever you see "LOL" on non-members' e-mails or chats, cause while the rest of the world is Laughing Out Loud, you know you're a proud member of the Ladies (and Laddies) Of Lallybroch.
99. Other people carry gum on their person when they travel for that 'just in case' moment, but you have seriously thought about carrying disposable penicillin injections.
98. All your friends have an @ and .com in their names.
97. You want to play Loaghaire (UGH!) in the TV movie, just to sleep with Jamie.
96. You are searching for 2 Scottie dogs - Jamie and Claire - even though you have had Sporting dogs all your life - Golden Retreivers and Cockers...That way you can redo the whole house in PLAID - little plaid collars, plaid bowls, plaid beds, plaid coats etc. etc.!!!
95. You apply for a PT job with GE's Scotland research field, so that you may finally make that trip to Scotland you've wanted to make since reading the books. You cite as experience, that you ken the language (Scotspeak), the history (so what if it was DG who did the research) and the people (we have come to know Jamie as if he were our own husband).
94. Someone says to you, "Can I be frank?" and you break out into hysterical laughter and want to tell him, "Well, I guess so but he's an ass so why would you want to be?" Hahahaha!!!!
93. You recommend Outlander to a lady in Barnes and Noble and then after she checks out, you go back to the DG section and see if the book is gone!
92. You spend a whole evening printing out the excerpts from DG's homepage, just so you have something more to read about Jamie (and Claire)!
91. You tell all your friends that willow twigs are really this season's toothbrushes.
90. You get books on Scottish cookery and start researching the difference between oatcakes and bannocks.
89. You buy oatcakes once a week at Sainsburys.
88. You start eating porridge for breakfast and herring for lunch, switch from coffee to rosehip tea, and you serve watercress for a side salad at supper parties.
87. You start asking people to forgive your stupidity, as you are "hosed". They don't have a clue what you mean, but you assure them that this will appear in the dictionary soon as a new Scottish word.
86. You urge your dh to wear his kilt more often.
85. You read all the books in the "Scottish" section of the library.
84. You go up and touch all the standing stones on Arran just to see what would happen.
83. You stand and have a silent thought at the Fraser Clan marker at Culloden Field and imagine Jamie fighting the English there.
82. You name your son "Keegan" which is Celtic for "little and fiery".
81. Scottish names dominate your list of potential baby names.
80. You've become a single malt whisky snob.
79. Your party conversation is dominated by "what three things would you take with you if you were going back in time to the 1700's?"
78. You scroll the screen quickly when your dh enters the room so he won't laugh at the LOL messages.
77. You start shopping at Scotch House, and tell all your friends that Lovat-green is the new black.
76. You look askance at your wardrobe of classic clothes, and think about throwing out your Barbour jacket in favour of a waterproof cloak.
75. You insist your night working dh wear earplugs to bed so "he can sleep in" but in fact, you hate to wait until 11:00 a.m. for him get up so you can turn on the computer without disturbing him.
74. You have something caught in your hair and you leave it because you think it looks bonny.
73. You're the sole male with fifty Ladies of Lallybroch on your ICQ list.
72. You get back from an overnight trip and wave vaguely at your dh and kids on your way to the computer to check the Ladies of Lallybroch board and Quote of the Day.
71. Your kids name their new puppy "Princess Leia" and you throw in "of Lallybroch" for yourself.
70. You've called your husband DH to his face so many times that HE even refers to himself as DH.
69. You make anyone who borrows your copy of Outlander swear on pain of death and sign in blood that they'll bring it back!!!!!
68. You're way into kilts and plaids.
67. You want to name your first child James. If it's a girl, Jamie.
66. Whenever you see a redheaded man, you stare at him like crazy, not bothering to avert your gaze once he's noticed.
65. You get both of your kids a FREE kitten and then pay them each $20 to name the cats Claire and Jamie.
64. Your husband is honestly afraid to visit Scotland with you ever again because he sincerely believes that you have every intention of leaving him for a red-heided, kilted Highlander.
63. Whenever you hear the aforementioned words (see #62), you have a tendency to go off on an excited tangent for hours, regaling unsuspecting victims with your knowledge of such things.
62. Everyone you know avoids using words like "Celtic," "Scottish," "moors," "kilt," "plaid," "tartan," "clan," etc. in your presence in order to keep you from going off on an excited tangent for hours.
61. You take a Latin class simply for the pleasure of being able to translate "Da Mi Basia Mille..." on your own.
60. You find a cute picture in a magazine of a baby wearing a kilt and you cut it out and hang it in your toddler's room.
59. You are seriously considering renewing your wedding vows just so your DH can wear your clan kilt and you can use "Scotland the Brave" as your recessional.
58. You get a new outfit to wear when meeting DG and not only do your socks have Scotty dogs printed on them, but you suddenly realize that you're entirely clad in red and black… the colors of the Fraser Clan tartan.
57. You go to your dh's grandparents house and rave about the books enough to get three people there to promise they'll read them! Then when you get in the car to go home your dh says "Do you have to do that?" "Me? What?"
56. You start plotting something called the "Great Lallybroch Library Caper".
55. You're innocently watching Lady and the Tramp for the first time and all of a sudden you notice that Jock has a Scottish accent. You then have to watch the movie 3 more times to catch all of his phrases.
54. You have a dream of meeting DG's governess who takes you to the house to meet the kids. While there you notice the neat wallpaper in the breakfast area and Diana Herself walks in and you compliment her on her new hair style.
53. You send a company wide e-mail that says "verra important" and you don't catch it until it's too late!
52. You're playing Curse of Monkey Island and you keep going back to talk to Haggis McMutton to hear his Scottish Accent.
51. You do everything you can NOT to be hosed! You even try to justify why you identify with a lot of the reasons why "You Know You're Hosed When...", but still insist you're not a Hoser!
50. You work at an ISP, and keep LOL up on a Netscape window all day, reloading occasionally.
49. You need to check the LOL board 5 or 6 times a day for fear that you might miss something GREAT.
48. Your dream is to meet up with the East Coast Ladies of Lallybroch, if not the whole MacHoser Clan, one fine day!
47. You love reading about others with your same hoser problem!
46. After a GLORIOUS summer cruising the Ladies of Lallybroch board and gabbing three, four, five times a DAY, it has been major, I mean MAJOR withdrawal snatching only a five or ten minute glimpse every few days!!!
45. You've just spent the last 2 hours on the internet at the "everything Celtic" page.
44. You refer to all Englishmen as 'Sassenach' including the Queen.
43. When redecorating your bathroom, you buy tartan towels and actually look for tartan toilet paper
42. You get really excited when you see a listing for Voyager in the TV Guide, then are disappointed when you suddenly realize it's Star Trek-Voyager.
41. You fashion a bodice for 'Barbie' and a kilt for 'Ken' then use your kids' Fisher-Price toys to play Castle Leoch and Voyager ...when the kids are at school.
40. You find yourself watching the Christy reruns on the Family Channel just so you can hear Dr. McNeil speak in that wonderful Scottish accent.
39. When your new car had the letters JF in the Vehicle ID number and the first thing thought of when filling out the papers was you-know-who! Car's red, too...coincidence or serendipity?
38. You bruise yourself and think immediately of leeches instead of ice.
37. You find a rather interesting rock in your garden and hold it to your ear to see if it hums.
36. You find yourself putting weed specimens in between the pages of your book.
35. You call your husband "dh" to his face.
34. You find that you opt for a repeated listening session with the books on tape instead of listening to music while driving.
33. You find that you are actually enjoying ironing (with the headphones on of course).
32. You find that it is too much trouble to use contractions while writing and end up typing in Scottish prose.
31. Even worse is finding yourself actually saying, "Weeel, I canna rightly say" to people who are Gabaldon illiterate.
30. You find you've re-acquired a taste for Scotch whiskey.
29. You think that you are finally beginning to understand the meaning of *hosed*.
28. You have discovered you have an aversion to the scent of lavender (which is supposed to be relaxing!)
27. You call all Englishmen 'Sassenach' to their faces.
26. You have a Scottish thistle tattooed on your arse.
25. You buy Scottish CD's like 'Lorena McKinnett and Sons of something or other' and anything with 'Celtic' in the title.
24. You are willing to risk life and limb (and not just your own) to be able to finish a paragraph, page or chapter--WHILE DRIVING.
23. When you're driving out in the country or camping, any pile of rock merits closer investigation, because you wouldn't want to pass up the opportunity of going thru the stones.
22. You drag your family on a twenty-hour car trip to Nova Scotia in hopes of hearing Gaelic being spoken.
21. You beg and plead your husband to just try wearing a kilt and promise him the world if he'll wear it without an undergarment.
20. You check out all the red-heided lads.
19. Seasickness becomes an asset in any male and you are proud of being seasick yourself.
18. You say 'aye, ye and ken' and practice Scottish noises 'mmmphm'.
17. You wear a penannular with your sweater and explain (upon inquiry) that it's actually for your plaid.
16. You corner the painter at work who is a native of Scotland and ask him to say things like 'Sassenach' and 'sgian dubh'.
15. You keep your eyes peeled for a running stag brooch in antique stores.
14. You wear a gold band on your left hand and a silver band on your right.
13. When all of your computer passwords are in Scots or Gaelic.
12. All of your passwords at work are Jamie or Claire or Fraser or Outlander or Sawney or Donas or......
11. You go to a Celtic festival to see men, any men, in kilts.
10. You've started referring to all children as lads, lassies, weans and wee bairns.
9. The first thing you do every morning, even before relieving yourself or drinking your coffee, is check the quote of the day.
8. You have late charges on Braveheart, Rob Roy and Mrs. Brown at every video store in town.
7. You've planted a patch of Heather in a secluded place in your back yard.
6. You refer to what is commonly called plaid, as tartan, and insist on explaining the difference to everyone.
5. Even though you know it will make your butt look huge you seriously consider wearing a tartan skirt in public.
4. You've bought the Scottish Moors CD, but can only listen to it when you're alone because you feel compelled to hide it from your husband and friends for fear of seeing their eyes roll at you again.
3. Without even realizing it, you commonly say verra , didna, dinna, willna etc.
2. You make your children sit through the Mr. MacPooch episode of Wishbone with you, just so you can see the dog in a kilt.

And the number one reason you know you're truly Hosed ...

1. You can't even use Scotch tape without thinking of Jamie.

Copyright © 1998, Judie Rousselle. All rights reserved.


More "You Know You're Hosed When..."
(September, 1999)