You Know You're Hosed When...


List contributed by the Ladies and Lads of Lallybroch
and compiled by Lady Claudia

September, 1999



  1. You ask your DB to kiss your freshly waxed underarm.
  2. You look at every person you meet and wonder if they are secretly a lurker on the Ladies of Lallybroch
  3. You've spent the night in jail for tackling some poor ignorant soul who casually referred to a braw lad in a kilt as a "man in a skirt."
  4. The meat manager at your local grocery store thinks you're a couple bricks short because you giggle uncontrollably whenever you pass by the sausages.
  5. You're the only person in your group who runs TOWARDS the sound of bagpipes at a parade.
  6. You think even swear words in Gaelic (Gaidlhic?) sound romantic.
  7. You have your license plates changed to LOLFWA or something meaningful like that.
  8. You stop in the middle of your busy day and ask yourself "I wonder what Jamie and Claire are doing today?"
  9. You know more about the Battle of Culloden than any other event in the history of the world.
  10. You're scared sh*tless of needles, but get a dragonfly tattoo anyway.
  11. You buy Scott's Porridge Oats, just because it has a picture of a Scot in a kilt, and you don't even eat porridge...
  12. You try to get your DH to answer to the name Jamie while emphatically pushing a box of red hair dye at him!
  13. Your list of possible names for the new baby/kitten/bunny includes Laoghaire, Murtagh, Geillis, and Jamie -- be it boy or girl, be it your baby or somebody else's.
  14. You don't recommend THE BOOKS to some people because you feel they're not "Jamie worthy".
  15. You get a Scottish dog and name it after one of the characters. In my case a Gordon Setter named Mac Dubh!
  16. All your bookmarks on the computer have to do with DG, LOL or something Scottish.
  17. You are sure you are Scottish, even though your lineage clearly shows you have none!!
  18. You buy an expensive commemorative knife (dirk) just because it is called "Culloden" and had Culloden 1746 engraved on the blade.
  19. At work you name your engineering computers on the network "Culloden1" "Culloden2" etc.
  20. Your computer wallpaper and screen savers are all stone circles and standing stone images.
  21. You fly to Scotland and stuff your FWA through a cracked standing stone at Clava Cairns in the highlands.
  22. You can't go to bed at night until you've read the Quote of the Day on the LOL Book Board.
  23. All your CD's have the word Celtic in the title.
  24. You see a computer and immediately think of Lallybroch.
  25. You have to be physically restrained from logging onto strangers' computers.
  26. You think of buying the plaid suit from the Sears catalog even though you're 5'2" and have a huge FWA.
  27. You buy a tartan dress for your teddy bear and call her Bree.
  28. You went to Burns night and drank whisky and ate haggis.
  29. You scowl at other men named Jamie because "they're not worthy".
  30. You wear the Fraser clan badge.
  31. You applied to colleges in Scotland.
  32. You go to the fabric store to buy stuff for your new home and everything you grab is a plaid.
  33. You bought a hedgehog.
  34. You keep your autograph from DG in a glass box.
  35. You have the biggest poster of Rob Roy on your bedroom door because he's wearing a kilt.
  36. You keep a Gaelic, French, and Latin dictionary with you while reading the books.
  37. You buy books and tapes on how to learn Gaelic.
  38. You spent half your monthly salary on the whole enchilada: The Books (paperback AND hardback), the tapes (abridged AND unabridged, because you HAVE to compare), the Braveheart soundtrack, and you spend the rest of the month eating Cheerios for dinner.
  39. You really want to learn the art of knife throwing and sword fighting.
  40. You get a job at a bookstore, just so you can recommend The Books to people -- no matter what they ask for in the first place.
  41. You want to buy a broad sword and a sgian dubh.
  42. You discover that everything around you can be some how linked to something Scottish.
  43. You find yourself signing your last name as Fraser.
  44. You've never wanted red hair so bad in your life.
  45. You've never wanted curly brown hair so bad in your life.
  46. You've thought about becoming a physician.
  47. You find yourself telling people the quickest way to kill a person with a sgian dubh.
  48. You actually convinced people you were Scottish.
  49. You change the Monday Night Football song to Je Suis Prest for some football.
  50. The bumper sticker on your car is of the Scottish flag.
  51. You name a "pound puppy" (the stuffed animal, ye ken?) Bouton, and made him a little collar with his name on it.
  52. You're trying to learn Gaelic, Latin, French, German, Spanish, and Sign language.
  53. You join a golf team because the sport originated in Scotland.
  54. You rip out and crush lavender plants wherever you go.
  55. You paint over the lavender-colored walls in your room.
  56. You plant strawberries in the back yard and take pictures of them.
  57. You write a poem inspired by the books.
  58. You're seriously thinking of getting a Celtic tattoo.
  59. You buy scones.
  60. You try acupuncture, even though there is nothing really wrong with you.
  61. You go on for hours to convince your red-headed friend never to dye her hair a different color.
  62. Your PC wallpaper alternates between the Fraser of Lovat tartan, the Clava Cairns, the cover of Outlander, and standing stones.
  63. You dyed your blond-headed friend's hair red.
  64. You curse Microsoft for not having Scots as a language you can set Word to.
  65. You look for a silver ring with thistles around it.
  66. You wear a necklace that says "Je Suis Prest".
  67. Your backpack is green and has a Scotland patch on it.
  68. You want "Amazing Grace" played on the bagpipes at your funeral.
  69. You went to an Irish school because it was the closest you could find to Scottish, but was happily rewarded when on graduation day they had Scottish bagpipers and drummers in full Scottish regalia.
  70. You want to buy a dragonfly in amber.
  71. You want some one to call you a Sassenach.
  72. You've been saying "och", "aye", and "ye ken?".
  73. People bring to your attention that lately it sounds like you have an accent.
  74. You're plotting what you would have to do to become part of the Fraser clan.
  75. You think about honor, fortitude, and respect more than you use to.
  76. You tell people that snakes have two p******.
  77. You find yourself overly interested in lefties.
  78. You looked up and found the passages Claire read in The book of Job.
  79. You joined the perpetual adoration group at your church.
  80. In front of people you grab a yardstick and start wielding it like it's a broadsword.
  81. You're constantly searching for the closest highland festival.
  82. At DG's signing, you wanted to beat the woman who said she was in love with Jamie, because she said it before YOU DID!
  83. You set the alarm for 3:30am to join in the DG chat and just incase it doesn't go off you email another Hoser to ensure that if you're not in the chat room by 3:40am she's to risk waking the whole family and telephone across the Atlantic to wake you.
  84. In difficult situations you think, "What would Jamie or Claire do?"
  85. You want a horse so you can name it Donas.
  86. You consider making your DB a linen shirt just so you can rub your cheek against his linen-covered chest, like Claire does with Jamie.
  87. You search your family tree to see if anyone came from Scotland.
  88. You write "Scotland Rules" and "Scotland Forever" everywhere.
  89. You're speaking in public, and find yourself saying "verra" instead of "very", "doesna" instead of "doesn't", and starting sentences with "Aye, weel..."
  90. You stay up until 4:00am reading The Books for the umpteenth time.
  91. You're looking for a guy that was born on May 1st but will settle for him being a Taurus.
  92. You look at your male friend differently now because he owns a red Ford Taurus.

  93. You become very fond of using the expression 'Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ'! - Thanks to Lady Ari for this essential one! :-) (March, 2001)


More "You Know You're Hosed When..."
(November, 1998)