The "We're Really at the End of Our Braincells Contest"

11 May, 1999


Who can play?
...Anyone who is hosed enough to actually be reading this.
When should it be turned in?
...Well, to keep our judges happy, we are asking that you send your answers to us by Friday at 12:00 p.m. your time.
Who is torturing you hosers?
...Lady M&M, Lady Melissa J, and Lady MJ.
Why are we doing this?
...Because no one here has lives, so we might as well entertain ourselves, aye?

What will the winning hoser get?


prizeIt includes something representing each of the four books.

OUTLANDER: The paperback.

DRAGONFLY IN AMBER: A pair of dragonfly with fake cubic zirconia *G* hairpins.

VOYAGER: A minature oval frame.

DRUMS IN AUTUMN: An "Emily" indian bear Thanksgiving pin. (a stretch we know)

We are giving you hosers a list of 10 characters from our beloved books. We want you to choose 5 characters from the list, and tell us what you think they would be doing in the year 2000. We realize that the most common answer to Jamie is going to be "Och, he's going to be my love slave!!", but let's at least give him a part time job, aye? Here's the list of characters, and please respond by clicking on the e mail addy. Our fearless judges (who do not include us) are patiently waiting for your hosed answers, so let's not disappoint them!!

Please choose 5.

  • Jamie
  • Dougal
  • Laoghaire
  • The Old Fox, Simon of Lovat
  • Master Raymond
  • Jenny
  • Stephen Bonnett
  • Bonnie Prince Charlie
  • Murtagh
  • Black Jack Randall

That's it!! There is no more!! Have Fun Hosers!! Good luck and may the best Hoser win!!!

M&M, MelissaJ and MJ


red bar


Talk Shows, Politicians, Bed & Breakfasts, Games Shows....where else can you get all these, but our beloved LOL contests?? (well, maybe The White House)

You razzled us...You dazzled us... You made us go "HUH?" We were so proud that some of you found a job for Jamie that didna include strawberries and whipped cream...amazed, but proud. So without further torture of our so-called humor..we announce our winners...

3rd Place Honor goes to Lady JulieH...what can we say about her entry but "HUH?" Here is her entry: Click here for Lady Jule H entry

2nd Place goes to Lady Cheri...we will never look at The Dating Game in the same way again...Here is a sample of Cheri's 'new' Dating Game....Click here for Lady Cheri entry

And The Supreme, Witty, Outstanding, Scary, Best of the Best 1st place Hoser is....Lady Page!!!! Very well done lass...So glad we are that the poor elephant is feeling better!! Here is the Queen of Hoserness's tall tale:Click here for Page entry Congratulations Page, your basket is on it's way just click on M&Ms names below and send her your address!!

Thanks so much to all who played our wee contest, and kept we no-lifers entertained for a few days!! Till next time...

MJ, M&M, Melissa J.  


red bar


Lady Page

This was so FUN!!! Here goes . . .

Laoghaire was just named employee of the month at a major department store. Since Miss MacKenzie was hired to head up the complaints department, the number of complaints against the store have dropped drastically. It seems shoppers would rather put up with shoddy goods and high prices rather than hear Laoghaire bitch constantly about her pathetic life!

From TV Guide's "Cheers and Jeers", February 3, 2000: "Fans of Antique Roadshow are getting a real treat lately, since the program added Master Raymond to their distinguished panel of appraisers. The enigmatic Master Raymond is an expert on 18th Century Scottish pieces, and seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to these antiquities. How did he know the astonishing details of a lovely bell-shaped crystal decanter in pale green? That it was used to hold Rhenish wine in Castle Leoch in 1743 and owned by one Colum MacKenzie is just one of the amazing feats of Master Raymond! We look forward to more!"

"YOU HAVE JUST WON ONE OF THE FABULOUS PRIZES LISTED BELOW! That's right, your name was chosen to receive a wonderful gift! Did you win a 1999 Lexus? A Sony big screen TV? A diamond ring? Or a sturdy digital watch? Be our guest this Saturday at The Gem of the South resort and allow us to dazzle you with huge lots, beautiful condos, a beach, and hours of family fun! All at affordable rates YOU can afford! Just call 1-800-I'M-A-CHUMP to set up your appointment and to claim your prize! We're waiting on YOU! Sincerely, Stephen Bonnet, CEO."

New York, NY (AP) In a move that stunned the entertainment world, shock jock Howard Stern announced his retirement from radio today. Stern appeared emotional as he announced his decision to a weeping crowd of four at the base of the Empire State Building. "It's the Old Fox," mumbled Stern. This apparently refers to The Old Fox, Simon of Lovat, whose controversial radio program has pounded Stern's in the ratings the past six months. With Stern's retirement, The Old Fox has effectively been crowned the most obnoxious person in the free world."

"Good evening, I'm Chester Nosehair with the news. A bizarre accident at the St. Louis Zoo leaves one zoo worker dead. Authorities say Jack Randall, also known as Black Jack, was suffocated today while cleaning the Elephant area. "Miss Belle", the largest known elephant in the world recovered today from a blocked intestine. Unfortunately, Mr. Randall was standing behind Miss Belle when the miracle of science occurred, burying the man under three-quarters of a ton of elephant poop. One of Randall's co-workers was heard to say that it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy."

(Late one Saturday evening at Chippendale's . . .)
"Take it off big boy! Take it all off! Oh, God, I love that tartan g-string! Come here, Dougal, let me shove this dollar bill where it'll do you some good! Oh, baby, yes! Dougal MacKenzie, The Big Scotsman! Yes! Yes! Yes!!!!!!"

What a great contest idea Ladies! Thank you!!!

Lady Page


red bar


Lady Cheri

The Dating Game

Setting: A dark studio stage.

Announcer: To celebrate the coming of the new century… We bring you a New Years Day 2000 special edition of… (drum roll) The Dating Game! (Lights come on for the stage.) And here is your moderator… Master Raymond! (M. Raymond enters stage left, goes to raised podium.)

M. Raymond: Welcome ladies and gentlemen. Today we have a very exciting show planned. Our young lady, if you can call her that (said under breath, followed by a snicker), will have her choice of three… ah… what shall we call them… potential mates. She is a fair haired beauty who enjoys trying to get rid of her competition, irritating anyone she comes in contact with, and just generally being bitchy. She doesn't work and contents herself with lounging around the house, eating and watching soap operas all day. Let's provide a warm welcome for the star of today's show… Laoghaire! (Laoghaire enter stage right and sits in her spot on the couch.) Welcome Laoghaire, and how are you this fine day?

Laoghaire: Well Master Raymond, I'm not so good. I'm having a hard time finding and keeping a man. I just don't get it. (Audience enjoys a good long laugh.)

M. Raymond: Well let's change that all today why don't we. Let's see if we can help Laoghaire find her perfect match. A little bit about our bachelors to start us off. (Spotlight shines on the 3 booths that hide our bachelors.) Bachelor #1 is a man of wealth and power. Previously a Lord, he owns several estates around the world and now makes his living off of investments. Though sometimes grouchy and irritable, he is well-known as a man who gets what he wants. Bachelor #2 gave up the glamorous life of a sea pirate to become a corporate pirate. This allows him to have a fair amount of money while he is still able to make his own hours and be choosy with his acquisitions. He is frequently a target of tabloids due to his brashness and escapades. Bachelor #3, previously a high ranking soldier, is now a famous Congressman with a need for power. He prefers to be in control and will do whatever he feels is necessary to achieve his goals. He is a strong advocate of the death penalty and is proposing a bill to bring back public beatings and hangings. On the bright side we won't see any pictures of him in a hotel room with a female prositute in The National Enquirer. Okay… Laoghaire… do you have a question for our bachelors?

Laoghaire: Yes… my first question is… I've had some misunderstandings with the law and am about to be publicly punished. What would you do to help me?

M. Raymond: Bachelor #1?

Bachelor #1: I'd get myself a front row seat so I could get a good look at your bum ma'am.

M. Raymond: Okay… Bachelor #2?

Bachelor #2: Well little darlin', since you did deserve what you had coming there's not much I can do to save you. However, afterwards I'd take you home and do my best to make you *forget* your pain.

M. Raymond: And Bachelor #3?

Bachelor #3: Not only would I be there to watch but I'd request to be the one who wields the belt on your fine white arse.

M. Raymond: Alright then, another question Laoghaire?

Laoghaire: I catch you with another woman and go to the local witch shop to purchase a voodoo doll and some pins. You happen to find out about this and confront me. What would you say to me?

M. Raymond: Let's start with Bachelor #2 this time.

Bachelor #2: I'd tell you that you better get yourself a second job if you're going to waste your money on voodoo crap everytime ye catch me with another woman.

M. Raymond: Thank you Bachelor #2. And your response Bachelor #3?

Bachelor #3: I think that would be something deserving of punishment. So I would bring out my whip and apply it to your fine white arse. But first I'd make you get on your knees in front of me and beg for forgiveness.

M. Raymond: Bachelor #1?

Bachelor #1: I'd tell you that it was a downright nasty thing to do and congratulate you on your deviousness.

M. Raymond: Now Laoghaire, we have time for one final question before you make your decision.

Laoghaire: Only one! But I want more! Whaaaaaa! (M. Raymond gives her time to compose herself.)

M. Raymond: Sorry but that's all we have time for, what is your last question?

Laoghaire: Oh fine! It's time for our honeymoon. Where will you take me and what will we do there?

M. Raymond: Bachelor #3?

Bachelor #3: No need to go anywhere. I've got a nice room down in the basement of my condo. Once I get you properly chained to the wall I'll let my man Marley give you a good working over. Then when he's finished I'll get out some nice *toys* and we'll have some real fun.

M. Raymond: That sounds rather… ah… interesting. Bachelor #1?

Bachelor #1: I'd take you on back to my estate where you could help the maids, clean the pool and maybe take care of this little prostrate problem I have.

M. Raymond: Another… ah… interesting response. And Bachelor #2 what do you want to say?

Bachelor #2: I'll take ye on a nice long vacation filled with lots of drinking, sex and scandals. I'll be occupied with business dealings and pretty woman but you'll have time to be out in the sun and get rid of that pasty white complexion.

M. Raymond: Laoghaire, sounds like you have quite a decision to make. Tell us which lucky bachelor will get to take you off our hands and why you chose him.

Laoghaire: This is so hard! Um, well… Bachelor #3 sounds interesting and creative but since I don't deal well with punishment I have to pass on him. And since I'm a jealous and not very outgoing person, that and I don't like sex, I don't think I could handle Bachelor #2 and his women, partying and going-ons. So I'll take Bachelor #1 please, Master Raymond. (Audience cheers.)

M. Raymond: Well it's time to meet our bachelors. First let's find out who just escaped a lifetime of hell. Bachelor #2 is… Stephen Bonnett. (Spotlight goes to booth 2 and shines on the emerging bachelor. Camera pans to see Laoghaire's look of regret as she sees that he's good looking.) And on to Bachelor #3… Black Jack Randall. (Spotlight on booth 3. Camera catches look of disgust on bachelor's face as he can't believe he's been rejected yet again) And now let's meet our unfortunate winner… Bachelor #1 come on out. Laoghaire meet your dream partner… Simon of Lovat! (Spotlight goes to crotchety old man emerging from booth 1. Cameral swings to show Laoghaire who at first looks disappointed but then relieved, as she realizes she probably won't have to have sex with the man and hopefully he'll die soon of old age.)

M. Raymond: That's our show for today everyone. Hopefully you've enjoyed it as much as I have and we wish good luck to our happy couple! Happy New Year and much prosperity to you all in 2000!

Lady Cheri


red bar


Lady JulieH

Here they are! Hope you guys are having fun!

Dougal MacKenzie has a floor show in Las Vegas where he performs fabulous swordsmanship among scantily clad, dancing ladies. He is giving Wayne Newton a run for his money.

Master Raymond is a New Age Guru who sells crystals and teaches inner harmony to all those gullible folks in Southern California. He is making a mint!

Black Jack Randall has founded the largest site on-line to buy kinky sex toys. He is also making a ton of money and having fun playing with people who are just as sick as he is!

Laoghaire has found the perfect job. Since she is so good at whining, sniveling and simpering, she was offered a job as co-host of Kathy Lee Gifford's new talk/variety show. It's an annoying but successful program!

With his business sense and twisted ways, the Old Fox has taken on Rupert Murdoch and is now owns the biggest media conglomerate in the world. He has no trouble at all now controlling what other people think and he has plenty of willing young girls with nubile fingers to massage his nether parts!

Thanks for the fun!



red bar


Back to The Library