The Dating Game
Setting: A dark studio stage.
Announcer: To celebrate the coming of the new century… We bring you a New Years Day 2000 special edition of… (drum roll) The Dating Game! (Lights come on for the stage.) And here is your moderator… Master Raymond! (M. Raymond enters stage left, goes to raised podium.)
M. Raymond: Welcome ladies and gentlemen. Today we have a very exciting show planned. Our young lady, if you can call her that (said under breath, followed by a snicker), will have her choice of three… ah… what shall we call them… potential mates. She is a fair haired beauty who enjoys trying to get rid of her competition, irritating anyone she comes in contact with, and just generally being bitchy. She doesn't work and contents herself with lounging around the house, eating and watching soap operas all day. Let's provide a warm welcome for the star of today's show… Laoghaire! (Laoghaire enter stage right and sits in her spot on the couch.) Welcome Laoghaire, and how are you this fine day?
Laoghaire: Well Master Raymond, I'm not so good. I'm having a hard time finding and keeping a man. I just don't get it. (Audience enjoys a good long laugh.)
M. Raymond: Well let's change that all today why don't we. Let's see if we can help Laoghaire find her perfect match. A little bit about our bachelors to start us off. (Spotlight shines on the 3 booths that hide our bachelors.) Bachelor #1 is a man of wealth and power. Previously a Lord, he owns several estates around the world and now makes his living off of investments. Though sometimes grouchy and irritable, he is well-known as a man who gets what he wants. Bachelor #2 gave up the glamorous life of a sea pirate to become a corporate pirate. This allows him to have a fair amount of money while he is still able to make his own hours and be choosy with his acquisitions. He is frequently a target of tabloids due to his brashness and escapades. Bachelor #3, previously a high ranking soldier, is now a famous Congressman with a need for power. He prefers to be in control and will do whatever he feels is necessary to achieve his goals. He is a strong advocate of the death penalty and is proposing a bill to bring back public beatings and hangings. On the bright side we won't see any pictures of him in a hotel room with a female prositute in The National Enquirer. Okay… Laoghaire… do you have a question for our bachelors?
Laoghaire: Yes… my first question is… I've had some misunderstandings with the law and am about to be publicly punished. What would you do to help me?
M. Raymond: Bachelor #1?
Bachelor #1: I'd get myself a front row seat so I could get a good look at your bum ma'am.
M. Raymond: Okay… Bachelor #2?
Bachelor #2: Well little darlin', since you did deserve what you had coming there's not much I can do to save you. However, afterwards I'd take you home and do my best to make you *forget* your pain.
M. Raymond: And Bachelor #3?
Bachelor #3: Not only would I be there to watch but I'd request to be the one who wields the belt on your fine white arse.
M. Raymond: Alright then, another question Laoghaire?
Laoghaire: I catch you with another woman and go to the local witch shop to purchase a voodoo doll and some pins. You happen to find out about this and confront me. What would you say to me?
M. Raymond: Let's start with Bachelor #2 this time.
Bachelor #2: I'd tell you that you better get yourself a second job if you're going to waste your money on voodoo crap everytime ye catch me with another woman.
M. Raymond: Thank you Bachelor #2. And your response Bachelor #3?
Bachelor #3: I think that would be something deserving of punishment. So I would bring out my whip and apply it to your fine white arse. But first I'd make you get on your knees in front of me and beg for forgiveness.
M. Raymond: Bachelor #1?
Bachelor #1: I'd tell you that it was a downright nasty thing to do and congratulate you on your deviousness.
M. Raymond: Now Laoghaire, we have time for one final question before you make your decision.
Laoghaire: Only one! But I want more! Whaaaaaa! (M. Raymond gives her time to compose herself.)
M. Raymond: Sorry but that's all we have time for, what is your last question?
Laoghaire: Oh fine! It's time for our honeymoon. Where will you take me and what will we do there?
M. Raymond: Bachelor #3?
Bachelor #3: No need to go anywhere. I've got a nice room down in the basement of my condo. Once I get you properly chained to the wall I'll let my man Marley give you a good working over. Then when he's finished I'll get out some nice *toys* and we'll have some real fun.
M. Raymond: That sounds rather… ah… interesting. Bachelor #1?
Bachelor #1: I'd take you on back to my estate where you could help the maids, clean the pool and maybe take care of this little prostrate problem I have.
M. Raymond: Another… ah… interesting response. And Bachelor #2 what do you want to say?
Bachelor #2: I'll take ye on a nice long vacation filled with lots of drinking, sex and scandals. I'll be occupied with business dealings and pretty woman but you'll have time to be out in the sun and get rid of that pasty white complexion.
M. Raymond: Laoghaire, sounds like you have quite a decision to make. Tell us which lucky bachelor will get to take you off our hands and why you chose him.
Laoghaire: This is so hard! Um, well… Bachelor #3 sounds interesting and creative but since I don't deal well with punishment I have to pass on him. And since I'm a jealous and not very outgoing person, that and I don't like sex, I don't think I could handle Bachelor #2 and his women, partying and going-ons. So I'll take Bachelor #1 please, Master Raymond. (Audience cheers.)
M. Raymond: Well it's time to meet our bachelors. First let's find out who just escaped a lifetime of hell. Bachelor #2 is… Stephen Bonnett. (Spotlight goes to booth 2 and shines on the emerging bachelor. Camera pans to see Laoghaire's look of regret as she sees that he's good looking.) And on to Bachelor #3… Black Jack Randall. (Spotlight on booth 3. Camera catches look of disgust on bachelor's face as he can't believe he's been rejected yet again) And now let's meet our unfortunate winner… Bachelor #1 come on out. Laoghaire meet your dream partner… Simon of Lovat! (Spotlight goes to crotchety old man emerging from booth 1. Cameral swings to show Laoghaire who at first looks disappointed but then relieved, as she realizes she probably won't have to have sex with the man and hopefully he'll die soon of old age.)
M. Raymond: That's our show for today everyone. Hopefully you've enjoyed it as much as I have and we wish good luck to our happy couple! Happy New Year and much prosperity to you all in 2000!